"I swear I'd wear him like a scrunchie"

Yesterday was a bit of a tranny day. I missed my train because it came early(?)...who knew the LIRR could be reliable- let alone early! I sure as hell didn't, and neither did the other passengers sprinting and dodging cars like they were trying to peace out of the GCHS parking lot during a "bomb scare"
Needless to say I was not thrilled to be taking the 7:42. The only positive thing I can say about the 7:42 is that I had a whole new train car full of boys to look at…

Pathetic (check)
Creepy (check)

Whatever, we’ve already established that I'm crazy so whatever...moving on.
My mother tells me that the “one” could be anywhere; He could be that guy making your coffee in Starbucks or possibly the boy you meet on the train. I’m cynical so I just laugh at her, but I decided that while I have some down time on the train, I might just test her theory on my commute and on my city travels, so I made it my job yesterday to keep an open mind about every guy I met/came into contact with.

This is what I have decided....

Its completely bizarre, but the first thing I always check for is a wedding ring…I’m getting to the age where people are getting hitched, and while that scares the living daylights out of me, its very plausible that the hot guy, who is my age on the train could be married or in a commited relationship. While I would love to be able to facebook stalk you upon meeting. I know that this is completey irrational. So please…if you are dating someone don’t flirt with me on the train (while flirting rarely occurs, I think its best to approach this situation head on. Example: Hi, my name is _______ I am single or Oh, hi ______I have a GF that I am going to casually leave out of all our conversations.)

The guy who saw me sass my mom in the parking lot of the train station will not become my new BF…Reasons why include the fact that he saw me sass my mother and the fact that I was about 6 inches taller than him.

Men who wear Yarmulke’s: We all know that I would make a lovely Jewish wife, but I draw the line at yarmulkes on a Tuesday. I don’t want to hu if there is the potential that in the near future that I will have to give up bacon and wear a wig on Saturdays. I have good hair and I would prefer not to look like Kim Zolciak.

I’ve also decided that finding attractive boys on the train is all about the car you sit in. Commuters are creatures of habit and we tend to follow a routine. For example I sit in the third car on the 7:31 every morning. Unless I miss it like I did today…assclown conductor who drove away…Chances are if you find a hot guy in a car and he carries a monthly, he will probs be sitting there tomorrow as well. This hypothesis has been tested. Last summer there was this total hottie, I would say a cross between Nate Archibald and Bill Compton. He stood on the platform, waiting for the 5:33 every night and sat in the same car. I may or may not have slightly stalked him…anywho…I've yet to find the hot guy car, but I will keep you posted.

I’ve also decided that there are things I will not compromise on when looking for a potential fling on the train…

1.If you have frosted hair ....Sir on the E Train...I'm talking to you. Frosted hair went out of style with white eyeliner and tamagachis.
2. Weird tattoos. I like tattoos just not when I
a. Can't read them becayse they are some sort or asian character
b. Because its barbed wire around your arm.
3. Wedding rings…if you’ve got them, stay away…unless you want to offer me a job.
4. If by some off chance you find me attractive and you want to flirt with me on the train I would prefer you hit on me when you are somewhat sober. Drunk guy on the train- I'm talking to you!!! While you are attractive, the slurring words make me wanna punch you in the face. It also makes me want to tell that lovely lady whose car you just got into, that you have been making creepy eyes at me since Jamacia.

Where are you adorably awkward boy who wants to hang out with me? To quote True Blood “I'd wear you like a scrunchie”

Project search for a potential thing…FAIL. Whatevs I’m done looking. Now it’s your turn to find me.

Happy commuting.

XO,
Ash