Monday, August 17, 2009

Current Mood: Hostile and hungry

At around 8:11 this morning I was woken up by the most HORRIFYING sound coming from across my tiny peaceful street. My neighbors have decided to do some tacky and tasteless construction on their house so that they can fit more sticky and annoying children.

This woman walks her children on a leash! I would suggest they stop procreating or adopting. The world does not need anymore of your satanic offspring!

Here is my problem, it sounds like I live in Hempstead, and I’m afraid that if I go outside I will be dodging bullets. It’s a loud, scary and construction filled world right outside my front door…and I DON’T LIKE IT! As a means of therapy, I have constructed a letter to my hammer-wielding visitors…

Dear Construction Workers,

Please stop making my neighbor’s house ugly. It is ruining the neighborhood and so are you with your loud banging this early in the morning. It sounds like shots are being fired as you re-roof the house and I’m never sure if its safe to wander out to get the mail.

I would also appreciate it you wore a shirt once in awhile. I understand it is hot, but you are not! It would be really nice for you to keep your middle aged, tattooed, beer belly underneath some sort of garment.

I would also appreciate it, if you didn’t sing Cascada karaoke style outside my house before noon…or like ever! This isn’t American Idol. Watching you dance on 2x4’s to German techno makes my eyes and ears bleed. Also, could you please hurry up with the construction? How are you always napping or dancing? Fix the house and leave my quiet little street in peace.

Once last thing, if you could not stare at me when I’m walking my dog that would be awesome! At the end of the day, you make me uncomfortable when you chat about me in Spanish. I CAN understand you.

Love always,


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